Yusi avianto pareanom


laughing lion coffee house 2.0


Table 6

“I think I love you.”

“You’re not sure?”

“Of course I am.”

“I sense some doubt. You used the word ‘think’.”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“It isn’t.”

“It isn’t what?”

“It isn’t a figure of speech.”

“Oh, my. Okay, I love you. But I think you knew that already.”

“Is that a good or bad thing?”

“Why does everything have to be so moral with you?

“Not everything, only the important things. You know that I’m single and you are...”

“A dick.”

“Don’t say that, please. I like you, you know that.”

“Okay, I don’t know whether it’s going to be good or bad for us, or good or bad for only one of us, all I know is that it’s real.”


“And what?”

“Do you need my answer?”

 “I’m not offering you a marriage proposal on an eclipse-viewing expedition, my dear.”


Table 11

“Why are you so into this chick?”

“Where do I begin? A glass of milkshake never looks as good as when she holds it. Her bangs. Her fake eyelashes. Her floral skirt. Oversized glasses. Her incurable taste for anything vintage. Her adventurous spirit matched only by her shyness. Her beautiful mind. Denim shorts. Silly colors on her nails. Her creepers, which I can say for sure, are pretty badass. Okay, stop me before I turn into a poet.”

“Lord have mercy. What are creepers, anyway?”

“Shoes, very beautiful.”

“How do you know things like this?”

“Well, I read it somewhere.”

“Since when did you become so...?”


“Gay. Since when did you become so gay?”

“Fuck you.”

“Where did you two meet?”

“The belly of a whale.”


Table 3

“This is the only way to identify who’s who in Relativity Theory: Galileo invented it, Einstein understood it, and Eddington observed it.”

“I second that.”


Table 10

“So, what does Kinawa mean?”

“In Torajanese, the wise and good hearted one.”

“She is a sage then. She is going to be beautiful, and it means you must exercise extra caution.”


“Because, well you know, there are so many ugly good-for-nothing daft pricks out there.”


Table 9

“I believe that all your characters are autobiographical.”

“How so?”

 “Every one of them is cynical. Although they come from many walks of life, all of them, in one way or another, are expressions of you. Their acts are your acts, too.”

“Somehow you sound like a speaker in a seminar. For sure, I invented their dialogues and all, but to say that all my characters are autobiographical is an overstatement.”

“You just don’t realize it.”

“Hey, I wrote about a dog that eats his own shit. How can that be autobiographical?”

“You just don’t realize it.”

“Fuck. Cheeky now, huh?”

“I saw you naked.”

“My doctor saw me naked too, but he never dissected me like this.”

“He doesn’t read your stories, I do.”

“Wanna see me naked again?”

“You are a maniac. We already did it twice before we came to this coffee house.”  

“Well, in case you forget, sex memory is short-lived, so let’s reenact it.”

“Ha ha ha. My Toraja cup is still brewing. I haven’t eaten my fried banana yet.”


Table 3

“Have you seen the new Total Recall?”

“It isn’t worth remembering.”

“Too bad, because the trailer was so promising.”

“The visuals are striking, though.”

“I kinda forget, was it based on Ray Bradbury’s or Phillip K. Dick’s?”


“He has more movie adaptations that Bradbury, right? But, I think, every movie that deals with the end of the world owes a lot to Bradbury’s The Last Night of the World.”

“Both of them should be Nobel Laureates.”

“Yes, there should be a prize for science-fiction too. Isn’t the Nobel all about, ne c’est pas, science and literary works?”

“Then Nobel Prize winners wouldn’t only be absent-minded geniuses.”

“You can’t say that, it’s stereotyping.”

“Well, sometimes stereotypes are accurate. We can say that Norbert Wiener, father of the field of cybernetics, was the precursor of the absent-minded genius. Once, he forgot he drove to a conference, took the bus home, and then reported his car stolen when he didn’t see it in his driveway.”


Table 17

“It’s kinda difficult if you ask them to act, Bro.”

“More money?”

“No, but they are really short-tempered, they’ll make a scene.”

“Good for us, no?”

“What if there is a casualty, someone dies?”

“Hush, lower your voice.”


“You don’t tell them to kill, hey, we aren’t animals, but if a life must go, so be it.”

“What’s the code?”

“Blue ribbon.”


Table 4

“I still prefer Sora Aoi, Miyabi doesn’t have smooth cheeks.”

“She’s more natural to me. Sora is silly, she’s a pornstar but she only wants to act in censored movies.”

“Doesn’t matter, really. We have imaginations, don’t we?”

“Poor ones.”

“But the way she acts, Bro, even when she had a sex partner who looked exactly like a pig, Sora still kissed him wholeheartedly.”

“Are you saying she deserves an Oscar? Ha ha ha. But, it’s okay, I guess, we don’t have to fight about who gets who if by some miraculous accident we got trapped in the same room with them. Hey, it just hit me, did you know that in Japan there is a high demand for older actors?”

“They’ve had mature and lolita genres for years, what’s so special this time?”

“This time it’s old versus old, farty grannies against dying grandpas”


“Of course the movies they starred in are not as popular as ones with JAV Idols, but there’s a niche for this.”

“And the old hags inserting their tongues deep into where the sun doesn't shine?”


Table 12

“He is amazing, four gold medals. I used to think that he didn’t have the passion anymore.”

“It's hard if you are as great as Phelps, right? Cos people are waiting for your downfall.”

“Do you think he’s going to Hollywood?”

“I don’t think so. Maybe he’s a better swimmer than Johnny Weismuller, but he doesn’t have that movie star look.”

“Yeah, he is rather goofy looking.”

“Did you know that the producer who offered Weissmuller his contract for Tarzan the Ape Man had no idea that his leading man was also an Olympic hero?”


Table 8

“We really miss you at the new establishment.”

“And by establishment, you mean a hotel slash spa slash entertainment center slash brothel, right?”

“He he he.”

“I don’t know man, I just don’t feel it lately.”

“Wait, don’t you dare tell me that you’re in love.”

“No, no. I saw this movie last month, and ...”

“Here we go again. How many times do I need to tell you that the girls at the new place are far more exciting than all of your virtual dolls. Because they're real, man, you can touch them and, well, do anything else that pleases you so long as the price is right.”

“No, hear me out. It’s not a porn okay, technically at least. Well, I don’t know... But, it’s very disturbing. I saw a man lick his dog’s balls.”

“Say what? Ew, that’s so gross.”

“I know, I know.”

“Why did you watch it in the first place? And, and, how could you keep watching? Aw, fuck. I feel sick right now. Thanks, dickless.”


Table 20

“I think it’s good that you made peace with your old man before he passed away.”

“Well, he was already torturing himself. He knew that he’d blown it. I just wanted to be a better person.”


Table 3

“I read at Yahoo that Marion Bartoli said her IQ was 175.”

“Wow, it’s higher than Einstein’s?”

“You bet, ha ha ha, Einstein’s is only 160. Marion said that she never mentioned her IQ before because she didn’t want to show off how smart she was.”

“High IQ with very terrible first services. Her rank also doesn’t impress me, let alone her look. Definitely, if I had to pick one Marion from French, I’d pick Marion Cotillard”

“Don’t compare her to a movie star.”

“Why not? Okay, there are many prettier tennis player out there, but Maria Sharapova is still the sexiest in my book.”

“Back to intelligent matters. Einstein actually was not that smart.”

“Like when he asked Marcel Grossman to help him work on mathematic equations for General Relativity?”

“No, he’s said to have lost most of his Nobel money in bad investments.


Table 8

“I have ordered for you. Fried rice with wagyu marble nine.”

“How decadent.”

“Well, eating good food is transcendental.”

“But really, marble nine for fried rice?”


Table 4

“So, you are basically saying your disclaimer that you can only perform for three minutes tops is a good strategy?”

“The best, because it always results in a win-win situation. If I perform less than three minutes, they won’t be disappointed. If, somehow, I miraculously last longer than that, they feel like a World Cup champion. And, by the way, making love should be like making a sale: the faster the better.”

“Dirty old weasel you.”

“You know, young padawan, in the right hands, anything can be a weapon.”

“And, in the left hand, anything can be toilet paper?”


Table 8

“Heavenly, isn’t it?”

“Still decadent. You are really weird. Because tonight, with nothing special to celebrate, you ordered wagyu marble nine. For our anniversary you ordered goat balls stew. Maybe you are the only husband in the world who thinks that kind of stew is romantic.


Table 14

“Why don’t you just tell him that you want him, you love him?”

“I still have reservations.”

“I don’t get it. You are an independent mature good looking woman, not to mention that you have more money than everyone here combined.”

“Well, I think my fears have seasoned and multiplied with age. I am afraid that he likes me because of my money.”

“O, rubbish. If I were him, I’d  marry you in a heartbeat, even if you were penniless.”

“You are so sweet.”

“Tell me something. Is he that good?”


“O, come on. You already did it, didn’t you, sis?”

“Once, well twice, but on the same night.”


“Very dandy. His cock is as satisfying as his sweet talk.”

“Allah will punish us all.”


Table 13

“If you don’t want to come back to me, I will …”

“Will what? What?”


Table 19

"Messi should go to Madrid if he wants to be a real champion."

"You know, in certain communities you can get bludgeoned to death just saying that."


Table 1

“I feel really frustrated. All my latest ideas died out so quickly.”

“They are not good enough, then.”

“Gee, thanks for the support.”

“No, don’t take it the wrong way. If the ideas have strong legs, they will live. You know that some writers don’t keep any diary or notes? Noel Gallagher once said that he wrote six or seven songs a day during his Oasis heydays, but he can only remember the ones with strong hooks and melodies. You know, in brief, good shit sticks.”


Table 14

“I wish this place had more to offer than these menus.”

“Like what, exactly?”

“$5,000 burger or $1,501 hot dog. I want to upload their pictures on my page, you know. I want to see who can top that.”

“You are just bored, aren’t you? Anyway, I knew already about a five grand burger that Chef Hubert Keller made, with kobe meat, foie grass, black truffle, and pretty expensive wine. But tell me again about that scary dog.”

“It comes with saffron, lobster tail, and gold dust, Sis.”

“So, the gold is edible?”


“That is a vanity, not a food, a sure way to hell.”

“You want them, right?”

“Hell yeah.”


 Table 2

 “I love you.”

“Er ..., thank you?”


Edited by John Vater